What to Devote Myself To

Since coming to Google and living alone, I often find myself thinking long after work. In that time, the life I want has gradually become clearer.

A life in which I immerse myself, in my own way, in problems I have chosen—and produce results of real consequence.

For a long time, I thought this was simply success. But success alone does not describe what I want precisely enough. Producing a significant result is not sufficient. I also need to decide for myself what I will devote myself to and how I will do it.

I do not want freedom so that I can live comfortably and do nothing. I want it so that I can choose a problem that matters to me and immerse myself in it. I am not trying to remain unbound by everything. I want to decide what is worth binding myself to.

There is much I want to accomplish. I want to turn my ideas into reality and find out how far my abilities can reach. I do not want to reach the end of my life having left possible work unattempted.

Life is finite. Most things eventually disappear, and nothing I accomplish will remain forever. One could conclude that there is therefore no need to accomplish anything. I reach the opposite conclusion. If this life happens only once, I would rather go as far as I can.

Results therefore matter. Possibility proves nothing by itself. Ideas must meet reality, and ability must become an actual outcome. My desire to produce something significant is not merely a desire for recognition. I want to know whether what I believed can truly work in the world.

This does not mean that I want to enter every competition. I do not want to spend my life moving slightly ahead by standards chosen by others. Excelling at a goal I do not consider important would not feel like complete success, no matter how highly others evaluate it.

What I dislike is not difficulty or responsibility. It is being carried in a direction I did not choose. For a purpose I understand, I can bind myself for a long time and accept difficult responsibilities. I do not want a life without constraints. I want a life in which I choose which constraints to accept.

Autonomy is not doing whatever I happen to want at any moment. Nor is it avoiding responsibility or rejecting judgment from reality. Once I choose a game, I must also accept its outcomes. Autonomy is not the right to reject the score. It is the right to choose the game in which I will be scored.

This is also why I value wealth, capability, accomplishment, and reputation. Their purpose is not simply to possess more. They give me the strength not to distort my judgment for survival, not to surrender my direction entirely to an organization, and to spend time and resources on work I believe matters.

Success itself was not what I wanted. I wanted to become strong enough to design my own life, then use that strength for work I believe is important.

And in the work I choose, I want to see how far I can go.